6 Awful Foods You Should [Not] Feed To Your Ex

Happy February 15th!  Or, as I like to call it, “The Post Valentine’s Heartbreak!” I’d like to take the time to let you know that I’m still one of you! I might have a food blog and a wonderful, glamorous life, but dating and dining are two very different things in New York. I’ve had my share of horrible breakups and lonely evenings and Valentine’s Day just brings out so many unfortunate feelings… So today, I’m mixing things up!

Happy Valentine's! Nothing says you're single like a paper bouquet.

Happy Valentine’s! Nothing says you’re single like a paper bouquet.

WARNING: THINGS GET ICKY STARTING HERE. If you just want to look at the cute card I made and not read about disgusting foods, you are free to leave now. 

Sure, we’ve all agonized for hours over putting together the perfect, romantic dinner for a loved one, but what about planning a meal for someone you just can’t stand anymore? Food is such a labor of love. Naturally, its use can be corrupted for one’s personal satisfaction and enjoyment at the expense of others.

Just send one of these foods to that special someone and you’re likely to never hear from them again!

SECOND WARNING/ DISCLAIMER: Food For Ott does not endorse the purchase of any of these foods, especially when utilized in the execution of some scornful revenge scheme. Food For Ott is not liable for any damages, injuries, or emotional trauma caused from following any of the ideas in this article.  I have never eaten any of these foods and after researching them probably never will, and would NEVER force their consumption on anybody.

1. The Durian

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The Durian is literally a spiky, smelly tropical fruit grenade. Connoisseurs (including some of my relatives) will try to delude you into thinking it tastes like a nutty, creamy custard, but I can assure you I have had no such experience with it. Some nations have actually banned the durian from public transportation—it’s that bad.  Personally, I liken the stench to spoiled cream cheese with a hint of overripe meat jelly—a tamer description compared to other accounts. With a hard, thorny carapace, cutting the durian both feels and smells like murdering an armadillo. It’s a gift that tells someone “You stink!” or “You deserve to stink!”

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2. Lamprey Pie

Lamprey Pie

If you’re a fan of George RR Martin’s A Song of Ice and Fire Book series or its television adaptation Game of Thrones, then you’ve probably heard of lamprey pie which was considered a delicacy in medieval and early times.  King Henry I is believed to have died from Lamprey related food poisoning–the pie was his personal favorite. Warm and flaky on the outside, but spicy and juicy on the inside, lamprey pie oozes class.  All very nice until you consider that the lamprey is something that looks like it should not be put anywhere near a person’s mouth let alone a pie.

Apparently it's not so bad after your remove the head... Sounds like a monster to me!

Apparently it’s not so bad after your remove the head… Sounds like a monster to me!

The sea lamprey is an organism that resembles an eel in several ways except for its rough suckling mouth full of sharp, hideous teeth which both look like they belong to an alien monstrosity.  Seasoned parasites, lamprey make their living by latching onto unsuspecting fish and slurping their blood and other bodily fluids out. Turns out all those juices are what help give lamprey pie filling its gelatinous consistency… Yum! By pie or pond, the lamprey is a threat to most creatures. It has actually devastated the Great Lakes as an invasive alien species that preys on larger, more popular fish. Send a lovely lamprey pie to your ex and let them know exactly what a bloodsucking parasite they really are.

3. Gorgona Wine

Gorgona Wine

This delicious white wine comes with a red-handed twist! Gorgona Wine is special–not only because it’s expensive and it’s from Italy, but also because it’s been expertly crafted by some of Italy’s most notorious murderers and criminals.  When getting someone a gift, it’s the thought that counts, right? I can’t think of a more spiteful thought than gifting someone the best Italy’s penitentiary system has to offer. Reputations aside, Gorgona is apparently a light, delicious pleasure.  Leave it to a maximum security prison to export the finest luxury products this side of the Mediterranean! I hear the prison also does cheese.

This wine will transport you to an island paradise with a sapphire blue vista, fragrant, fruit-filled orchards, alabaster sand beaches, and BARS. METAL BARS!

This dreamy, effervescent white wine will transport you to an island paradise with a sapphire blue vista, fragrant, fruit-filled orchards, alabaster sand beaches, and BARS. COLD METAL BARS THAT WILL HOLD YOU FOREVER! THERE’S NO ESCAPE!

Think of all the good that could’ve been done if Martha Stewart had served her prison sentence on this island. Be sure to gift a bottle of Gorgona to an ex you think deserves to drink something delicate that was also probably prepared by murderers.

4. Hákarl (Greenland Shark) 

Hakarl

This traditional Icelandic dish of decayed, fermented shark meat confers strength and vigor upon those who eat it because it’s actually horrific in every sense of the word. The Greenland shark that composes the “delicacy” is too toxic to eat fresh, so it is left to ferment in gravel and sand until it reeks of ammonia. It won’t kill you, but you’ll wish it did. Rumor has it that not even Gordon Ramsey can stomach this treat.  It’s the stuff of Anthony Bourdain’s nightmares. Ever seen the cult classic Sharknado? Well, Hákarl is like the aftermath of that movie: rotting chunks of butchered shark. It comes in two variants for you to gift your ex: chewy or soft and both of them say “You’re bad—like Sharknado bad!”

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KILL IT WITH A CHAINSAW!

5. Huitlacoche (Cornsmut) 

Huitalacoche

Dubbed “The Mexican Truffle” Huitalacoche is a pathogenic fungus known to grow on corn crops. Spores infect the kernels of the corn, bloating into grey and black tumors that burst through the plant. Despite a gruesome appearance and origin, Huitlacoche is prized for a strong, earthy flavor and a wealth of nutrients that regular corn could never provide. Still, it has yet to find a thriving market in America and thousands of farmers work to eradicate the fungus from their crops. I understand that appearances can be deceiving, but I am still hesitant to eat something that looks like it could be one of the Infected from The Last Of Us.

And you thought regular smut was a dirty indulgence!

And you thought regular smut was a dirty indulgence!

Words commonly used to describe the experience of dining on this treat include  gunky, muddy, sooty, tarry, funky, pungent, and musky. Did I mention that you can also get it in a can? Have some delivered to an ex that could use a little black in their teeth and be sure to tell them about the essential amino acids it carries–they’ll need those to live a long and healthy life without you. Huitalacoche will send your ex the message, “You might be good for me, but you’re also like really nasty!”

6. Fugu (Blowfish) Sashimi

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Doesn’t love bring out a magical, tingly feeling in you? Well, so does the flesh of the Fugu right before it kills you! A popular delicacy in Japan, the potent neurotoxins of the deadly Fugu Fish are only about a thousand times more deadly than cyanide (an honorable if not too obvious mention for this list). Specially trained chefs expertly remove the venomous liver, ovaries, and intestines among other organs before serving. Becoming a licensed preparer of Fugu requires years of apprenticing, an intensive written exam, and a hands-on final test where the prospective chef must eat their own potentially poisonous cooking. Even after the bad bits are extracted, many diners report an odd numbing sensation on their lips from residual poison–a worthwhile risk when one considers how bland the overall fish apparently tastes. It’s mostly the thrill of one gram of poison being enough to kill 500 people and no known antidote that seems to keep people interested. Just remember, feeding someone Fugu is the perfect way to let them know that you’re totally ok with whatever happens to them no matter how horrible it might turn out. There’s only a small chance that it will kill you… because you’re worth it 🙂

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He’s smiling because if he makes a mistake, you probably won’t be able to yell at him…

Honorable mentions included the Jamaican Ackee Fruit which induces hypoglycemia, dehydration, and severe vomiting, Haribo’s Sugarless Gummy Bears, and anything that Paula Deen made ever purely based on nutritional concerns.

Have a Happy Post-Valentine’s Day! And be sure to treat yourself to something nice when you’re not planning your revenge. Really the best vengeance of all is a life well-lived.

You Jamaica me sick!

You Jamaica me sick!

 When questioned about the health of her foods as well as her recent scandals, Paula Deen melted into a pool of butter and escaped down a storm drain.


YOU BUTTER BE MINE

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